YAY! I GRADUATED!!!
- After 4. frikin. years. of torture!!! Kidding, now that school is over I really miss it.
- Blogging about my graduation that happened in July LOL
School was really tough for me because despite the three/four camps I went for, the CCA I joined, the OCSP I volunteered for, and consequently the many people I met, no one really stuck around.
Everyone from my JC class went to FASS /NUS, a couple went overseas but I was the only one in SMU. I was truly alone – I don’t know how I managed to find out where to sign up for what camp…
Not that I didn’t manage to make good friends here and there, but I never managed to find a group of friends to do everything with. I guess what I’m saying is, I was unable to replicate my secondary school experience of belonging in a clique and ding everything in a clique. I truly envy those people who do have a clique, it must be nice to always have a safety net and know people will have your back no matter what.
I don’t know why I never saw most people ever again, most of them don’t even recognise me in the school hallways and if they do, avert their eyes and avoid saying hi after the first few months. Maybe my personality was too off-putting, or maybe I was too dumb for people to ride on my intelligence. I wasn’t pretty enough, popular enough, happening enough, good enough for people to hang around with. I was just … me.
It was quite lonely for me as I had to take many modules myself due to the fact that I had the maximum number of exemptions (like 5 or 6 mods). So I could already take the more advanced modules when people were still taking Uni Cores, or clearing introductory mods.
At the start, I also only somehow managed to befriend people from Economics. I had no Business friends, I also didn’t have any friends that were interested in Marketing. I remembered bidding for Business Process alone, and I ended up doing the group project by myself because everyone else had a group and I literally didn’t know anyone.
Suay Suay I ended up bidding for some prof that apparently taught more in-depth than the others and when I asked for help from some of my new friends that were also taking BP, no one knew what the flying hoot I was going on about. Thankfully, I had a good friend helping me to do my project and I will never forget that even though we rarely talk now! Thank you, you know who you are (:
So, this process repeated itself (not the help I got, just the alone-ness) throughout my Modules. I had no senior, so I couldn’t count on them to tell me which profs were good, I had no friends so I didn’t have shared resources from my friend’s friend’s senior etc. Everything I learnt in uni, I mostly did it alone for the first two years. So that was four semesters of having four classes, and only occasionally one of them I had someone I could sit next to in class.
That’s literally how shitty the first half of uni was for me.
Yes, I could have just spoken to the person sitting next to me and befriended them but c’mon, after the first semester, who wants to make friends anymore? I would probably be judged for being a weirdo, and there really isn’t much time to talk enough to make friends during classes. And after seeing how shitty most of my group mates for projects were, I had ZERO desire to befriend anyone. It made me realise how selfish/irresponsible everyone was and how they didn’t have a good work ethic at all.
To make it worse, I had NO IDEA how the bell curve worked. LOLOLOL So smart hor me. I played like mad in my first semester, slept in class, didn’t do my homework because I thought it was like JC where I could cram the topics in the last few weeks of school. Landed face down because I got a C and a D that semester and a pathetic 2.7 – I panicked, stopped dancing and started studying for my mods during the first week of school the next sem. Try as I might, still ended up with shitty grades. However, I managed to graduate with Merit, SO GOOD JOB ME! LOL.
It’s just difficult to feel intelligent/competent when your grades tell you otherwise. I had to really find my self-esteem from within, from my character, from my personality etc. I can’t rely on the grading stick because tbh according to that I suck like mad at life. To make things worse, your final paper never ever gets returned so you’re left wondering wtf did you do wrong, why you not smart enough to give correct answer without knowing wtf went wrong. You couldn’t technically improve even if you wanted to; it was too late.
I was very ‘depressed’ – I don’t mean clinically, but I was in a funk, I constantly felt like shit about myself, like I was a failure in life. Somemore I was dating a genius nerd that constantly topped his class who somehow has the bad habit of feeling like he’s “going to fail” for all his tests, then I just couldn’t help comparing our scores. (FYI he graduated with the highest honour also ok, I’m not exaggerating) Like wtf does someone so smart want to date someone so dumb like me. LOLOL. I was seriously damn stressed and sad, I think it affected my health so much I was in and out of the school clinic every month.
Ya, damn fucking dramatic I know.
**Didn’t help that I was in a very toxic environment in one of my extra curricular school activity that led me to quit because it was constantly putting me down.
Because to a kid whose essays that used to consistently be shown in class since secondary school days, who managed to score decently despite not studying much for major exams, suddenly being told you don’t match up to the elite elite was like a hard smack in the face lah. Like suddenly I realised I was a big fish in a small pond and now I’m drowning in open waters.
Then I was whisked away to a six months adventure of a lifetime with my nerd and exchange really taught me that there’s so much more to life than just being academically inclined. My bad experiences taught me that I valued being moral, being nice, kind, humble and polite to people more than being extremely intelligent in the taking tests sense.
I decided I wanted to be the best me, and then when I came back, had the craziest busiest sem ever and strangely, it was the sem where I did the best. Still not a 3.4, but close.
I was starting to be fulfilled. Since I couldn’t score well on tests and even doing my best on projects couldn’t save my grade, I decided to do external activities. Working, competing, dancing etc. Somehow this sense of fulfilment translated to better grades as well. I think because I was starting to exert more positive energy in my every day environment!
Landed a part-time internship by fate and that’s where I’m now gainfully employed LOLOL.
To be honest, I don’t regret choosing SMU one bit. It really made me open my eyes and see how the world of privilege works. (Let’s save that for another post ya) Forcing us to go for internship made me have working experience before graduating, forcing us to go for charity/volunteering experience made me remember and appreciate how fortunate I was, and made me better understand those who walk a different path in life. I say force because these were compulsory graduation requirements, and I am so glad they are!
SMU’s teaching style also forced me to be more outspoken, overcome my fear of public speaking and learn how to give and make a proper presentation.
I like to think of my experience as SMU’s tough love style of prepping me for adulthood. (Give them the benefit of the doubt lah hor hahaha)
If you’re currently not doing so well in school, remember that the bell curve is a way of capping the number of students who can do well. Remember that you’re more than grades. Remember that life still goes on after Uni, still goes on despite bad grades and bad grades doesn’t mean everything else is bad, opportunities exist everywhere!!
Plus, if it’s any consolation, if you score below 3.4 only your name is going to be read out during the graduation ceremony, and it turns out A LOT of people are in my boat HAHAHA. And there I was, worrying that I was going to be one of the few people who didn’t have any honours.
Long story short, DON’T WORRY SO MUCH! You’ll survive and come out of this mostly unscathed and if you’re extremely lucky + hardworking, shining like a blinding bright star.
Heres’s an encouraging cheesy af song hahaha:
(If you’re doing damn well you can go stuff it goodbye)
Going to post up some of the awesome photos Atikah took for the nerd & I for our grad photoshoot! Like I said I have no clique so it’s just the two of us hahaha. (In case you can’t tell, I’m fucking sad no one jio me for grad shoot lol fml)
Our Harrods bears Cookie and Creamy from our trip to London 🙂 Gab got the graduation gown costumes from Build a Bear! I requested for the sash as well hehe
Sometimes I think I should be considered an SOE student as I spend 80% of my time in this building…
Where it all began! (Didn’t make any lasting friends there btw don’t waste your time – is it still compulsory? LOL)
Where we met each other … ♡
To the one that always makes me laugh ❤
Taking photos in the one place I never stepped foot in during my four years… Maybe that’s why my studies sucked LOL
Studious af ok
This picture accurately describes how tiny I am compared to him – five inches taller and I am still way shorter than him hahaha
Goofing off is our relationship staple
Thankful every day that we found each other 🙂
Irrelevant caption BUT I REALLY LOVE MY ELIZA LITZ SHOES! 😍
My favourite photos of all! I love you 💗
WE DID IT!