Today, as you can see from the title of this post, I am going to be blogging about my relationship with makeup. Here’s a warning that this is going to be a long ass post about 6-8 years of my life, so unless you like to read, I suggest you to skip this one.
I know it sounds crazy, talking about makeup as if it was my boyfriend and we’re having some weird emotional issues that need working out. But this story isn’t so much about makeup as it is about me.
When I was about 15, I got my first eyeliner which unfortunately was not waterproof or smudge proof. I knew next to nothing about makeup but still I went ahead and wore my eyeliner to school. It’s pretty silly really, thinking it made me look better when all it did was make me look like a panda when it smudged like crazy during the sweaty afternoons.
Then I got caught for wearing makeup to school and even had my form teacher privately talking to me. I remember there was this moment where she asked me why I wore makeup when I know it wasn’t allowed and then came my answer “I think I look ugly without it” and then she tried to tell me that I looked fine and I just didn’t believe her.
It wasn’t poor counseling on her part, it was me. I had a lot of issues that I had to struggle with growing up. And sometimes, till this day, these struggles still haunt me.
In secondary school, I was never really pretty or skinny. I was the opposite, fat and unattractive. My friends were petite, and I felt like a ball every time I walked with them. The fact that people do stupid mean things when they were young didn’t help my self-esteem very much. The rude comments that they made still haunt me sometimes. I would cry myself to sleep, but be all fine and dandy on my old blogs, pretending I was happy.
The emptiness inside of me made me turn to makeup. I looked ugly to me, so cover it up with makeup. After eyeliner, it was foundation, and then concealer. I expanded my collection and I had tons of drugstore makeup in my room then. Lack of skills didn’t stop me from piling on the makeup. I even had a phase where I wouldn’t go out of the house without any makeup. Concealer was my best friend.
When I was having a bad day and had to go out, I would literally make myself look not like myself with my makeup before going out of my house. I was trying to change my face so that I could become another person. I was trying to hide myself beneath all the makeup. I know it might not make the greatest sense, but then I am a girl so please bear with me.
Then I graduated the horror that was my secondary school (but not before making some lifetime friends :’)) and started junior college. I stuck to my routine of concealer and then foundation and sometimes powder and white eyeliner for my daily face. Even when I was going to perspire like a pig during Phy Ed and have my cheerleading and squash, I never stopped putting my makeup. I just wasn’t comfortable with my bare face. Plus even with makeup, people still told me I look sleep deprived, which made me super self-conscious about my eye bags.
But because of my activities in the first year of junior college, I lost 5 kg and became healthier-looking. I was 49 KG at my lightest, which was really a feat considering the fact that I was having Burger King and McDonalds for 9 pm dinners a few times a week. I was 49kg in Primary 5. The downside was that I was so tired every night when I reached home I just showered and slept. No homework, no studying. And then I proceeded on to sleep some more in my classes. Then I realized that I couldn’t possibly ever be a girl that weighs 40 plus kg, no matter how much I wanted to be. It was tiring me out so much that I literally slept everywhere.
In the second year, I gained the weight loss back because we had to study hard for our A Levels. I told myself that if I lost it once, I can lose it again. I was just never really able to be completely comfortable with myself.
Then I had to work before going to Uni. I found myself at Etude House after a couple of other part time jobs, and I loved it because I could make myself look pretty with all the makeup and beauty products. I also kept the blog going with all my silly posts of pretty pictures of myself because I like the picture me so much.
A lot of people always tell me I look better with no makeup, but I’d never believe them and I always secretly thought it was some evil ploy to make me look unattractive. Then I realized that guys prefer the girl next door look (Is there even such a thing?) so I started to go without makeup. Like literally nothing on my face, not even concealer, so much so that people asked me why I wore makeup when I did on rare days. I looked like I hadn’t slept in three days, but so what? If guys liked it, then I should do it. Even when I wasn’t happy being sans makeup.
Then it hit me. I keep doing things to attract people, to please their eyes. I cared too much about what people have to say and I didn’t care enough about me.
That’s what I have been doing since I touched my first eyeliner.
I put on makeup because I thought I was too hideous to others, and then I stopped because people thought the made up me was blah.
Although I have grown out of using makeup as a tool to hide my face and my life, I still like makeup. It’s sort of a habit, and even a kind of hobby that I shouldn’t have stopped.
I love my bare face now, because without my features, I wouldn’t have anything to use makeup and play up. I love my face, even if I don’t look very Chinese. I love my face, because my parents gave me what I have now, and hating my face would mean hating looking like them. I think I’m blessed because my parents gave me a beautiful smile. 🙂
But I still love my makeup, because it’s become a hobby of mine. Buying new products makes me happy and I’m super excited to try new products.
I don’t think of makeup as trying to hide me now, I think of it as something that can make me look better. It’s just like skincare. Why use skincare? You want to look better right? Not that the “organic” me isn’t good enough but I like to experiment with colours and moods, and makeup lets me do that!
I’m not going to stop just because people prefer me one way or the other.
I even stopped blogging cause I got scared how people would think of me, my makeup, my clothes, my thoughts, my voice. I felt so suffocated I eventually took to keeping a private journal. But my real love is still blogging!
It’s time to start living for myself.
Not boys, not people, not anyone but me.
I’ll always have some baggage, but I can’t let it stop me from living life to the fullest!
It’s a promise to myself that I intend to keep. (: