I DON’T WANT KIDS

I may live to regret this if I do eventually decide to pop out a little one and they accidentally find this…. But for now, this is what I’m feeling and I am not ashamed to say it.

I don’t plan to have any children of my own.

This anti-procreation sentiment is particularly strong after being barraged by our respective parents during the Chinese New Year period and I have this sudden overwhelming urge to pen my thoughts down.The nerd and I have discussed this before and it’s definitely not a one-sided view. 

“Faster get married and have children, then I can be a grandparent!” 

 I am honestly super annoyed by this statement. Do people not realise this is essentially saying that I want you to have kids so that I can gratify my own needs and happiness?

How do I even respond to that thoughtless and selfish request? To ask me to withstand morning sickness, my internal organs being cramped by a growing melon of a baby, loads of false scares, anxiety even before the baby is born just so you can add a new title to your family member status?

Why do I have to have children? Am I not enough for you?

It’s actually really funny to me how the government keeps saying that we aren’t producing enough babies blah blah, doomsday prediction and all, when majority of my friends whom I have talked about having our own kids with are actually very keen to have their body (or their partner’s) ravaged by childbearing.

As long as I can remember, I have always been the one who frowns in confusion when my girlfriends exclaim loudly over the cuteness of so and so kids on the streets and on the Internet.

And I am extremely frustrated by the response I get every single damn time I tell people I don’t want kids. 

They kind of make me feel like I’m Moana, and I should burst out singing “What is wrong with me?” for deciding on something that is different. 

They kinda go like this: (like seriously I swear this is the shit people say to me no kidding)

1. “You’re still young, you’ll change your mind next time”

Really? You can read the future? Sarcasm aside, WHY CAN’T MY MIND STICK IN ONE PLACE FOR THE ENTIRETY OF MY LIFE? No, seriously, who are you to decide for me and my body that MY choice should be to have kids?

Why can’t your response just be a “okay” or even better, “I don’t care whether or not you want to have kids”?

2. “Huh why? Kids are so cute!!!” *in a high-pitched squeal

You find them cute, I don’t find them cute leh. Especially not when they are wailing their little throats off on the train three cabins away from me. And damn right not when they are spoilt and bratty af. So many kids I see on the street annoy the shit out of me with their lack of manners.

I have actually pictured what it would be like if I ever had kids. I need to survive on very little sleep, take care of their physical health, mental well-being and emotional needs before mine, face judgement from everyone regarding my parenting decisions etc etc – and most of all make sure they aren’t a screwed up person. On top of that I have to shower them with unconditional love.

And the truth is?

I’m not sure I can do that. I’m not sure I am selfless enough to be able to fully and properly care for a tiny, vulnerable human being and the thought of being responsible for its everything scares the living shit out of me. It’s kind of like having a pet (am I gonna get so much flake for this?) and you have to think carefully about whether you are even competent enough to care for it. I have seen too many living examples of what I wish to avoid, and the reality is that I am not sure I won’t repeat the same mistakes as a parent. I’ve actually thought things through and decided this 24/7 job isn’t for me. 

And that ladies and gentlemen, is why I do not want kids. Because I would rather be a non-parent than a bad parent. Can you imagine if your kid turns out to be a shitty person and it’s all your fault? (murderer, con artist, thief, pervert etc you name it… I sure as hell will be fing ashamed to be the parent of some guy who secretly take upskirt photos of ladies everywhere.)

While I agree that it takes guts to try your best to be the best parent you can, often times people fall short. People are human. People get lazy. People forget. Some simply don’t even make the effort. I think it takes more guts to admit your human limitations and being at peace with it.

Don’t even get me started on the lack of mutual support between mothers and parents. It’s so competitive, and not many people talk about caring for themselves before for their kids – post natal depression, rivalry between working and home moms, character attack on other parents, gossip etc etc.

And also, I don’t need to justify my decision to you. MY BODY IS MINE, so please gtfo.

3. “Won’t you be so lonely next time? Who will take care of you when you are young?” 

Are you actually telling me you are giving birth just so you can have some companionship when you get old and tired? Is your child a ticket to financially coasting your retirement?

Why not work hard, invest smart and then you can also enjoy your retirement worry-free?

There are many ways to reach the same goal, please respect my path as I respect yours.

4. “What if all your friends have kids? Won’t you feel left out then?”

I mean honestly?! Do you have kids to fit in your clique? 

What is this, primary school? Must all be the same then can be friends? So much for being able to thrive on differences…

I mean, of course I will not be able to relate to all the pregnancies experience, first whatever etc. I can still visit the kid and spoil the shit out of them right! Doesn’t mean I have to stop hanging out with my friends, although if they prefer to go on double playdates kinda thing without me, then I guess I can enjoy my facials and hit some snooze and gain some tans on 2d1n island trips myself, lol. I know that definitely and most likely I will be left out unless I make the effort to try and relate. And I’m okay with that. 

I don’t know man. If you still want kids after thinking it through and discussing with your partner (BECAUSE HELLO IT’S A DECISION MADE BY TWO PEOPLE, NOT JUST YOU), then good for you. 

I just wish I could be me, and that would be enough.

Till next time.

XOXO,
Hui Min

 

 

 

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